Kerril & Denise Irvine (pictured below) have co-authored a very helpful book Called The Big Day: A Guide to Getting Married in New Zealand.
Read the review taken from The Waikato Times.
Two Hamilton celebrants team up to write a guide to Kiwi weddings. Kate Monahan talks to them about trends and changing traditions.
It’s not often that Waikato Times senior feature writer Denise Irvine is on the other side of the table.
Today, instead of asking the questions, she is the interview subject, together with another Hamilton woman, Kerril Cooper.
The two friends, both experienced marriage celebrants, have written a book called The Big Day: A Guide to Getting Married in New Zealand.
It’s out in stores this month, and the two are bubbling with excitement.
Almost like a married couple themselves, Cooper and Irvine bounce off each other as they talk at a local cafe, finishing each other’s sentences.
Between them, they have about 25 years experience marrying hundreds of people, and have an intimate knowledge in the changing nature of New Zealand wedding ceremonies. Just over a year ago they came up with the idea of writing a book.
“There are lots of websites and books out there on weddings, but there is very little written for New Zealand couples,” says Irvine.
What’s different about a Kiwi wedding?
“They very much embrace the outdoors, and they tend to be less formal,” says Irvine.
New Zealand couples love to celebrate their union at the beach under a pohutakawa tree, or surrounded by native bush and gardens.
Often, New Zealand motifs are seen with koru, flax and paua shells, used in everything from invitation design to table decorations, bridal bouquets and wedding favours (gifts for guests).
Cooper and Irvine’s book is both practical and inspirational, filling in many gaps for the Kiwi bride. “Part of the reason for doing the book was, we were getting a lot of questions about wedding etiquette,” says Cooper. “People wanting to know which side to put the button hole on, who sits where at a ceremony. People are looking for something different with weddings now, but they still want to know about aspects of tradition.”
From setting a budget and planning the guest list, through to the ceremony, writing vows and invitation etiquette, the book covers it all.
There is even a section on low-cost weddings, something many brides may be considering in the current economic climate .
Like two trusted friends, Cooper and Irvine gently advise and guide the couple through to their special day.
Delicate issues are also covered, such as handling family tensions, seating plans and children at weddings. There is a chapter on civil unions, and one for those marrying the second-time around. They also look at wedding venues, from traditional church weddings through to outdoor weddings, and different cultures and customs.
Cooper and Irvine became celebrants about the same time, 12 or 13 years ago.
Both were also Justices of the Peace before
that. “Many people mistakenly think JPs can marry people and people had asked me,” says Irvine. “I thought it might be a nice thing to do, and it is. You touch people’s lives at a really lovely time. It’s a real privilege.”
Traditionally, couples were married in a church or registry office.
Times have changed, and from the early 1970s, the wedding ceremony evolved into a personal, less traditional expression of commitment. With more and more people wanting to get married outdoors, or outside the realm of the church, the first independent marriage celebrants were appointed in 1977.
In New Zealand, there are 1668 independent marriage celebrants, who have all been appointed by the Registrar-General of Births, Deaths and Marriages. Everyone conducting a wedding has to be listed in the New Zealand Gazette (online at www.gazette.govt.nz).
The Celebrants Association of New Zealand website has members listed by region (www.celebranz.org.nz).
Irvine says “nothing is prescribed” these days, and couples are free to wed however they would like. They are more choices for couples, including civil unions, available for both same-sex and heterosexual couples in New Zealand since 2005.
“One thing I find, is that many of the brides are 30ish, independent, well-travelled, and they are often paying for some of the wedding,” says Irvine. “In my day, it was father paying for the wedding and mother could call the shots. Now couples want to take control. Couple can create a ceremony that reflects them, not me, not anyone else.”
Modern brides, especially ones in their late 20s or 30s, tend to have “a vision” of their day.
“What is different now, is the planning that goes into weddings,” says Irvine. “It is down to the last detail, and every little thing is done beautifully.”
Themed weddings are popular, as simple as a colour theme or more lavish, such as 1930s art deco (chiffon flapper-influenced dress, jazz music, guests in feather boas), vintage romance (dusky pink colours, roses in cut-glass vases, photos in vintage frames). Beach-themed weddings are popular, and in the Waikato, farming themes. “At one wedding I did, each table was named after a cow, and there were cow-shaped candles on the table,” says Cooper.
Irvine says it was much more traditional and straightforward when she got married. “I was 19,” says Irvine. “We booked a church, a venue, we had no say in the ceremony and I think every time the minister looked at me, I said ‘I do.’ I think we selected a couple of hymns, but that was how you did it.”
Cooper says a key part of a celebrant’s job is to help a couple find the words they want to say.
Conducting a wedding can be quite full on, especially when things don’t go according to plan. Sometimes it rains at an outdoor wedding, or the person doing a reading has misplaced their glasses. “You have to be very flexible and open-minded and be able to make jokes,” says Cooper.
“It’s about maintaining an intimacy and warmth,” says Irvine. “You have to keep going and let nothing faze you.”
Sometimes there are tricky moments, especially when there are tensions with estranged mothers and fathers. “Ninety-five per cent of weddings are problem-free,” stresses Irvine. “But there are sometimes tensions.”
The worst is when parents who said they would come, don’t show up “using the occasion to point-score” says Irvine.
In their book they detail one case of ‘wedding blues’: “One bride was found crying bitterly in the car park before her wedding ceremony because she’d just learnt her estranged father had turned up uninvited. Other guests were trying to persuade him to leave, but he was standing his ground.”
Irvine says the celebrant’s job is “to support the couple” and “keep things as dignified and happy as possible”.
They recall several occasions when they have “rescued” a wedding from pushy friends or family members, trying to change things on the day, against the bride’s wishes.
Over the past decade, the two celebrants have seen trends come and go.
“I am convinced there is a wedding fairy,” says Cooper. “Each year you see different trends sweeping, almost unspoken, through different ceremonies.”
Strapless wedding dresses are popular at the moment.
Wedding favours, a special gift from the couple to their guests, is being done “more and more,” says Cooper.
It’s another chance for the bride and groom to unleash their creativity, or follow through on a theme. “At our son’s wedding, he’s a keen sportsman and they had golf balls engraved with Campbell and Ellen and the wedding date, put in a bag with chocolates. It was really cute.”
Irvine’s son and new daughter-in-law also make the book cover – it is them locking lips on the cover of The Big Day – a nice family touch.
The two ladies say they have more ideas – enough for two future books – including one for celebrants, and other topics for couples not featured in the first book. “One of the things on my list is the wedding diet,” laughs Irvine.
They say, despite all the planning and efforts, the day should be about enjoyment and celebration.
“Relax,” says Cooper. “It doesn’t matter if the caterers put down the wrong coloured napkins. Relax and enjoy the day. It’s about standing there, being in love and getting married.”